More Crap... Coming your way.

New Food Arrives

2007-09-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

World Terrorizing Force (WTF) has just announced its new plans for the world for next coming decades. One of the topics which the organization has covered and more to the people’s hearts in their talks yesterday was health plans.

‘New cases of illness have been on the rising in recent years,’ said WTF’s most terrorizing figure Ohmama.

‘New diseases like SARSi, Mad Mama Disease, Chicken Fever, Balls-Cock-Hair Disease have been on the wild. And we have realized that, it has always got something to do with the things we eat. Not even veggies are safe, as farmers sometimes overuse fertilizers and women get pregnant without any warning.’

‘Therefore, we have decided on a new source of food – Human.’

‘Humans make up a huge number on Earth, and it will be a significant milestone to start cannibalism. Imagine the good food you can have… human flesh bun, otherwise known as Ren Rou Cha Shao Bao, or can be used to cook curry.’

‘It does not matter if you cannot cook. There will be good meat on the market, that almost cannot be burnt!’

Happy National Day Xingapore! (Belated)

2007-08-23T09:07:00.002-07:00

This is my Cant-ry...

This is my frag...

This is my future...

This is my life~~

This is my family~~

These are my friends..

We're Xingapore!!! Xingaporeans!!!

Happy Belated Bdae Xingapore!

Newstonight Quiz 1

2007-03-27T03:13:00.000-07:00

Which hospital did the Clock go to to report sick?

Tan TOCK Seng Hospital.

Man? Woman?

2007-03-16T22:20:00.001-07:00

After the hot debate of the gender of The Editor of newstonight.blogspot.com, some of the people has started to question the credibility of the news posted earlier.

Newstonight.blogspot.com would like to sincerely clarify that there is nothing wrong with the news available to the public.

'Its a matter of how you interprete it,' says the Editor.

'Doesn't matter because you cannot sue me for a single cent! Hahahaha!'

Editor Is a Man

2007-03-16T22:19:00.002-07:00

The Editorial team of ABC newstonight.blogspot.com has gladly welcomed it leader, The Editor, back in their rank as a real man.

The Editor was caught in a series of events, therefore the lack of posts and therefore would like to apologize for the lack of news.

The Editor hereby promises to make a comeback with more news and postings.

Editor Is Back

2007-03-16T22:19:00.001-07:00

Following a long break from the Editorial team of ABC newstonight.blogspot.com, the Editor has now returned fully to his past position.

But now this time as a female.

The Editor has shamelessly changed his sexual identity, chopping of his whatever and replacing it with whatever.

The Editorial team has welcomed him back with little respect since.

Huge Finding In Bukik Mitah Hill

2007-03-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

A yellow creature, about 3 feet tall, was spotted in the forestation in Bukik Mitah hill last evening.

Mr. Kia Bo Lor said that he saw this yellow creature bounding amongst the trees around 3am in the morning during a mass orggy session and he gave chase.

Mr. Kia believes that the creature is the legendary Picachu, a lightning based Poker-mon.

Mr. Kia attempted to capture this once thought lost rare Poker-mon. The prey and predator thus sat down for a game of Poker.

Sadly, Mr. Kia's level was too low for Picachu, and Picachu used escape rope to escape to safety.

'I won’t give up,' says a determined Mr. Kia, 'gotta Poke them all!'

Scardy Returns to Safety

2007-03-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

Scardy Sun has returned to Singapour after an extort scare in Ejeep.

She was supposed to head for Maiwan, but the plane anyhow 'wan' (turn) and reached Singapour instead.

Reports from Straights Times had concluded that she was too scared and did not dare to stay in Maiwan.

Recounting the scare back in Ejeep, she claimed that while she was posing for a shot near a pyramid, many hands broke out from the pyramid and grabbed her hands, legs, neck, breasts (but failed) and hair.

The next moment, mummies jumped out and held a knife at her throat.

'They demanded my make-up kit but I told them I use one whole make up kit per session. They looked at my faced and believed,' Sun revealed.

'The mummies finally let go of me and headed for a pyramid called 'Big Mummy House 2'.

Malaryus Unhappy with Chinese Year 2007

2007-02-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

More than half of the Malaryu citizens in Singapour marched across Kallang this morning in protest of the 2007 Chinese New Year.

To be exact, they were unhappy about 2007 being the year of the pig, and that they refused to recognize the new year because it wan not Harllal. Though there was no damaged done to properties, tension was high as Bak Kua flew from HDB blocks and the Malaryus had a busy time dodging them.

The King of Gambler, Yan Fei, claimed that he scored a double kill when his Bak Kua hit 2 men, dissolving them instantly.

Protest leader Mohemmed Bin Bakkua said that the protest was a friendly request for people to remove the pig from the 12 animals that the Chinese used as a ‘mascot’ for each year.

2007 happened to be the year of the pig.

Most Chinese reacted strongly to the request, especially loansharks, saying that the pig is one of the most useful animals in the world.

1. Can be eaten
2. Impressive debut in movie Charlotte’s Web
3. Head of the pig is hung at the doorstep of people who cannot pay the loanshark in time. This is especially effective for trapping Melaryus in their house.
4. The most effective weapon that the Singapour Air Force has against the Malarsians – Airpork

Tais Unhappy With Singapour

2007-02-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Following the narrow defeat in the ASEAN (Another Stupid Ethics-Adding Necessity) Cup, the Tais have seemed to become more and more hostile towards Singapour. And the takeover of the Tai phone firm last year has added fuel to the fire.

Thai coup leader Sonka Bootyamama n said bluntly that he wanted the 3.8 billion telecommunications company back. He backed up his demands by claiming that the 1900s hotline calls were being monitored ever since the takeover.

"Our prostitution has a problem now. When we make a call, the line goes to Singapour. When we talk secret stuff to girls, they go straight to Singapour," Sonka told high school students, "what if Lee Ah Yew hears and cannot stand the stuff? He will die of excitement!"

“And how can you stand when someone eavesdrop on you talking secret stuffs to a girl? There’s simply no privacy!”

Yio Hup Seng Changes Manager

2007-01-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

Lim Bo Lui, chairman of Yio Hup Seng, has put pen to paper this evening in a deal worth more than 600 zillion. The deal will transfer 50.00000000000001% of Yio Hup Seng's shares to a 60-year-old Zillionaire from India, making the latter the new chairman of Yio Hup Seng.

Lim made his decision 3 months ago, when his sister cum shareholder, Ms Lim Bo Chup, apparently did not want to care about the company. Lim Bo Lui himself, just as apparently, had no money to maintain the upkeep of the company, therefore giving up the top seat of the company.

Yuandebunengna, new owner of Yio Hup Seng, has announced new plans for Yio Hup Seng.

'In memories of founder of Yio Hup Seng - Lim Bo Seng, as well as to carry on the tradition of the 'Seng' word, I've decided to change my name to Babu Seng,' said the new chairman.

'Yio's new logo will also have a new look,' he added.

Yuandebunengna was the reason why Yio's had been so successful. Because of him unable to pick up a canned drink which is round, he proposed rectangular carton drinks. Since then Yio's became famous due tp the success of this handy design.

The new changes will take phase this year February 31st.

Rain, Rain Come Again

2007-01-13T07:35:00.000-08:00

When even the Singapoor's Navy starts water-ration exercise, it's becoming clear that the world's water resources are depleting soon enough.

The 10-day long water rationing exercise started on a Tuesday afternoon, after a long meeting held by the Chief of Navy, Poo Bor Kia.

NSFs had a long water parade where they were made to drink 30 litres of water. Of the 600 NSFs, 599 collasped due to stomach explosion and were admitted to ICU in Changee Hospital. 598 passed away on Wednesday.

'These sacrifices were absolutely necessary,' said the Chief of Singapoor Navy.

'We simply have no need for people who only do Sai Kang (insignificant jobs) and cannot stand tough training.'

According to Tang Kees, people in Silly Lanka have been praying to The Almighty One so that another Tsumimi will not occur. Instead of solving the problem, the Indian Ocean became dry overnight and the ships cannot operate.

'We're trying to empty all the mineral water into the sea and put in some salt to make the water tastier,' says Silly Lanka PM.

'Hopefully it works. Millions of fishes are reporting sick and we don't have so many hospitals for them.'

Editor Reveals Truth Behind Green Light

2007-01-13T07:33:00.000-08:00

WARNING: SUPER EXPLICIT CONTENT INSIDE (R99)

Sightings of the mysterious green light in Singapoor few days ago are confirmed, however whatever it is, no one really knows.

Except the Editor.

'It is actually a huge orgasm from outer space,' says the Editor

He explained that the 'sperms from outer space' is light green in colour and has a reflective surface. These two elements caused what Singapoorians saw on that faithful day.

According to the Editor expertise, the sperms have life on their own and they can move about at 122km/h max. Therefore there is a 99.99% that these sperms have escaped to their favourite hideouts. Here are some characteristics of their posdible hideout,

1. No man allowed. They will die in the presence of man.

2. Loves to linger around white cold spots. Near water especially.

3. Likes to enter holes, especially damp, dark, ones

However the exact location has not been confirmed. Therefore the Editor would like to advise all to take care of themselves and not get fertilised/harmed by The Sperm.

Forum

2007-01-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

Last week I took my spoilt daughter to Heach Pee centre for repairs. They refused to repair her! For no good reason at all! They told me, 'Maam, you've got to have the warranty if you want us to repair her.' I think this is really a bad service attitude.

Mdm Gong

Editor's reply: Mdm, I think you really have a problem up there with your head. This certainly has nothing to do with bad attitudes. You really need to go back to your doctor who helped you give birth to get the warranty. If the warranty has expired, just get someone, preferrably a guy, to screw your daughter back in place.

The non-male public toilets are simply not enough. Toilet patrons have to queue all the way from Casueway Point to Casueway. I think one day patrons have to bring their passport along just in case the queue extends to Matsia. However, it is a rare scene when the male toilets starts a queue.
Therefore I suggest that the male toilets make some space for the non-female toilets.

Cao Ah Gua

Editor: it would be more effective if you would get the non-males to do less shopping.

Pros
1. No more frigging toilet problems.

2. Often reported that living standards are going up, the problem actually lies with the living standards of non-males going up, and the male trying their best to fulfil these standards. Less shopping = less money spent = better ability to survive with lower pay.

3. No more crowded shopping malls.

4. Quiet shopping malls.

See the benefits? I hate you fringging gays. Stop complaining or I'll screw your ass.

Rest

2007-01-06T23:42:00.000-08:00

Due of a case of leukemia, breasts + skin + lung + stomach + brain + eye + cervix + womb cancer, as well as tuberculosis, high + low blood pressure (sometimes high sometimes low sometimes no blood pressure at all), AIDS, bird flu and SARS, Editor will be taking a break this weekend to recover and bring you more shit for you to eat next week.

P.S. One day at most shit once, only 5 lucky winners will get to eat my shit.

KBOK sued for Fraud

2006-12-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

KBOK, Singapore’s famous chain karaoke get together venue for youngsters, has been sued for fraud yesterday in court. Almost 100 victims turned up yesterday to testify against KBOK, which seemed unlikely to get away without a fine.

According to their testimonies, these victims had been to different branches of KBOK’s karaoke lounge. And after their karaoke sessions, KBOK charged them for an additional head. “One head” referred to one person who had been in the lounge and using the facilities.

These victims were, on the other hand, rather sure that they had the exact number of people in the lounge, therefore arguing with the manager on duty. The latter would then show the victims the record of CCTV while they were using the lounge.

And to the surprise of the victims, there was a figure with long hair covering its face sitting right at the corner seat of the lounge. It was quietly sitting down at a corner of the lounge and never moved a single inch during their stay in the lounge. The victims were then forced to pay for this additional ‘head’ that was caught down on tape but was never seen by the lounge patrons.

This happened more and more frequently, until yesterday KBOK was brought to court and their license temporary suspended for fraudulent reasons. The verdict would be announced next year.

newstonight2 would like to advise all KTV goers to beware of any 'head' lingering around the KTV during their session.

Fei Li Competition

2006-12-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

Newstonight will be organizing a Fei Li competition tonight along Orchut Road and Somerseted from 9pm onwards.

This competition requires participant to molest as many girls as possible. The score chart is as follows:

Breasts: +5 points
Private Parts: +10 points
Men’s Breasts: -20 points
Men’s Private Parts: -100 points
Caught by Police: Automatic Disqualification

Competition will end at 12am.

1st Prize: Ji Nai Shen Gong Manual
2nd Prize: 3-Day Free How-to-Molest Lesson with The Man from Banghala
3rd Prize: Shaddup Hussein’s personal underwear

Curse of The Golden Flower?

2006-12-22T05:15:00.000-08:00

Another NSF was found dead this morning in his house this morning. This is the second case this month in which a NSF was found mysteriously dead.

This time, the deceased was found underneath a heap of iPOKs, believed to be around 5000 sets of them - iPOK Video.

Victim Demon Quek suffered broken ribs, rotten heart that resembles a wolf's and black lungs that resemble those of a dog's.

Police also found a notebook nearby.

And on one page...

Could this be the Curse of the Golden Flower?

Halal Pigs Will Bring Life to Market: Mat Hathir

2006-12-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

Matlaysia has recently resorted to including a banned growth enhancers to feed their pigs in 30 Matlaysian pig farms, in a report by AVA (Anti-Vegetarian Association) Sinapore.

According to the report, the growth enchancer is used as medicine for patients suffering from asthma. It causes headaches, dizziness, breathing difficulties and can even be fatal for pigs which have taken the medicine.

But once the pig survives the medicine (which lasts 7 x 7 = 49 days), the "pig will become halal," says Mat Hathir.

The fourth Prime Minister of Matlaysia has said that this will bring forth a massive demand for Halal pork in Matlaysia, as well as other Muslim countries.

Sinapore AVA has announced that it will not be importing Halal Pork from Matlaysia, stating that its aim is to provide 100% pork to Sinaporeans and well as 100% pork Bak Gua for the upcoming Chinese New Year.

Joke of the Day

2006-12-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

Qn: Why is it so that NS men always lose in track and field meetings?

Because the command given to run is: "Kekerisan", "Sedia", "Bang!" (gun bang).
The NS men will sedia himself on "Sedia" command... and..

"CONTACTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Good Reasons Not to Make Love This Christmas Season.

2006-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list and checking it twice
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Oh! You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

Congratulations, Team.. erm.. Chinapura

2006-12-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

Editor ABC Newstonight2 wishes to congratulate Chinapura for putting in their best performance in Asian Games, as well as sucessfully buying two medals in swimming and table tennis.

ABC Newstonight2 ePosting Order

2006-12-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

Editor ABC Basic Management of Talking Crap (BMTC) congratulates and wishes you all the best in your future posting.

ABC Serial: A8699899C
Code Name: Foo Of Sheet

Your Posting Order is listed below:

1. You are posted to Your Own Home

2. Your vocation is Only Crap School (OCS)

3. Your are to report to: (Enter your own home address here)
Reporting Date/Time: 18/12/2006 at 0800 hrs.
Person to report to: Lin Lao Peh
Contact Number: (Enter your own home phone number here)
You are required to report in your ~~smartest~~ longest 4. Female recruits are to report in their smartest bra and G-string. (to impress the editor who will also be there for new intake orientation)

4. Special Instruction: No Camera Handphone is allowed. Report to (for the last time, enter your own address here) at 0800 hrs sharp, Report in the above mentioned set of uniform. ABC 12C is also required to be brought along. Other items (such as clothings for girls, etc) need not be brought along.

Note from the editor: Girls might want to bring along durex as it will not be provided by the editor. Expected release timing 0900 for male, 0910 for ugly female and 2030 lights off for pretty female.

Young Man Mysteriously Dead

2006-12-14T09:53:00.003-08:00

Mr. Tan Kah Yong, a 20-year-old NSF, was found dead in his bedroom this morning with spaghetti coiled all around his neck.

His parents found him lying unconscious on the floor at about 8a.m.They sent him to Changi General Hospital immediately, but he was pronounced dead at 10a.m. sharp.

Tan is believed to be strangled to death by spaghetti, as no other injury could be found on him. Tan’s eyeballs were also replaced by golden flowers, which could not be removed from his body for further examination.

Police have classified this case under unnatural death and put the flower under custody as they believe it could be a lead.

Witnesses can call the police at 1900-112-8810. Calls are charged at 50 cents. Children under 18 need to seek parental consent.

Hot Deals! (Not gimmick!)

2006-12-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

Tigeress Airways, subsidiary of Newstonight.co will be offering one-way-tickets to four Thai destinations from 1st July to 30th September next year at unbeatable low rates.

Each ticket is going to cost just two cents, excluding the taxes with 12,000 seats up for grabs during this period.

Passengers will get a chance to sit on specially trained tigresses as the latter runs through the wild plains as well as the causeway that links Matsia and Singapore.

That’s not all. These specially trained tigeresses’ will moan when you play with its backside, lick you and even give you a ‘love bite’. Passengers are guaranteed to be kept entertained throughout the whole journey.

Bookings open on Monday (11th Dec) and are on till Wednesday (13th Dec).
Tigeress Airways says this special ticket price is in celebration of the editor POP-ing from Boys to Men Tactical Course (BTMC).

The four destinations are to Bangkok, Hatyai, Krabi and Phuket.

Word from the editor: This is not a gimmick. Go check it out!

Incredible Tales 1

2006-12-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

All Singaporean boys must go through National Service to become man.

Rifleman, Guardsman, Storeman, you name it. Not forgetting being a real man - grown up 'rifle with black camouflage all around'.

And man, including and especially woman, are creatures masked in thick camouflage, sometimes black-er than the black camouflage cream we have available in the stores. You can never see through a person.

So 'once upon a time', there was this particular new recruit, who would search his locker everyday after training. Whatever he was finding no one knew, simply because he himself did not know what he was looking for

This, would of course not be something a normal person would do.

In the end he was recommended to see a psychologist, whom later diagnosed the former with some mental illness which put him out of
National Service.

On the day he returned his 11B (another IC which NSmen exchange for with their pink IC and would hold on to during their NS life) for his pink IC, the company's officer was with him. This marked the end of his NS life. And upon receving the pink card, he held the card and said to his officer...

Sir, this is what I have been looking for.

Whatever Happened, Shohokuuu??

2006-12-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

Dorhaa - Yao's Basketball Team beat Team Shohokuuu by nearly 400 points this morning, clinching the top place in their groupings.

At half time the score already stood at 199-0, while full time saw Shohokuu defeated 398-0. Man-of-the-match Yao claimed a total of 398 points, including 100 3-pointers and 49 slamdunks as well as collecting 1000 rebounds.

Yao's Basketball Team head coach, Yao, said that he was very happy with the results, and the effort put in by the team members, especially Yao.

"This is a night to remember! Who can beat a team that can score from the spectator stand!?"

Team Shohokuu on the other hand was already expecting defeat.

Can't see? Blame blogger.

Yao's Basketball Team will play Bu Yao's Basketball team tomorrow at Dorhaa's Dota Indoor Stadium.

Yao's Basketball Team Starting Lineup

Team Coach: YAO Ying
1. YAO Ming
2. YAO Zhuo Ai
3. YAO He Jiu
4. YAO Qian
5. YAO Nu Ren

Team Shohokuuu Starting Lineup

Team Coach: Old Man
1. Gorilla
2. Shorty
3. Gangster
4. Botak
5. Zzz Monster